Entering New Age & Creating a Spiritual Business

(I want to preface with sharing that being a truth/spiritual seeker is a vulnerable, and often-times lonely journey. This post is not to persuade anyone of their paths or make anything seem wrong, it's meant to just share vulnerably what I have been thinking about and where I am right now).

When beginning my healing journey in 2012, which I found tremendous benefit, a part of me began to yearn to help heal others too and find my life purpose. I have always been a natural coach and teacher, so adding this spiritual knowledge seemed imperative. 

This sparked a desire to start looking for my life purpose, which led me to Yoga Teacher Training, mindfulness courses and Buddhism, Reiki, crystals, Goddess worship and training, Akashic reading, psychic reading, Tantra and more. 

After I got laid off from my Wall Street job, I began a spiritual Love Coaching practice where I brought these holistic and new age principles to women while coaching. I hired a business coach, and learned the ins and outs of marketing, running workshops, and converting new clients. 

I loved my coaching work, but found the marketing and client acquisition part to feel challenging. I set business goals, held online and in-person seminars and got on endless discovery calls. I worked to improve my Self Love and heal myself so that I could raise my frequency to attract more clients. I also kept updating myself on latest manifestation techniques and principles.

Over the ten years, I took endless workshops, trainings and consulting with high end coaches, channelers, tarot readers, life coaches, astrologers and psychics. You could call me a personal development junkie - living in NYC, I had pretty much done them all! I love learning and have this insatiable and voracious desire of knowledge. 

Even though the journey of spiritual business ownership often felt lonely, I had a whole community of women (and some men) who were in the same boat as me and I found much friendship and joy in these relationships and witnessing each other.  I acquired spiritual books by the dozens, sitting in my bookshelf, waiting to be read. I reasoned that the money spent on all these courses and coaches were worth it because I was using it to grow and serve more people. I viewed investing in myself as Self Love and what God would want for me.

The journey was filled with highs and lows, new friendships, excitement of births and releases, vulnerable moments of speaking in public, having epiphany moments with clients and sweet moments of running workshops with my husband. Sometimes I would look at my income and be amazed at what I'd earned. I donated large parts of it to a non-profit I helped start in Sierra Leone and further healing/coaching work on myself. 

I believed that the more I healed myself, the more I was raising my vibration and serving more and more people. I secretly looked down on people working in 9-5 jobs, thinking that they'd not yet moved into a 'service-to-other' mindset.

I worked on my brand endlessly - spending tens of thousands on websites, marketing, brand messaging, copywriting, etc. 

There was something that irked me - I couldn't understand that if this is God's work, why is it so challenging to grow this business, given that I have an MBA, have worked at Fortune 50 companies and am pretty savvy and charismatic? I assumed that it was because of my pricing (although other coaches charged way more) or needing to market better or educate more people about the power of coaching.

On a personal and spiritual level, I had teeming doubts. As I became a mom of 3 little ones, what was my priority, and how do I balance motherhood, marriage and business? What is the right ethical balance and role in this phase of my life? Were the spiritual practices I was learning good or not, and were they creating more separation between me and my loved ones. I couldn't help my sense of spiritual superiority and feeling sorry for others for not being as enlightened as me. Moreover, is charging large amounts of money even ethical to begin with (given the service-based gift economy that my spiritual friends were a part of)?

Deep down, I wondered if I could achieve liberation in this lifetime as a married woman, or whether marriage was even spiritual to begin with - I could see that intimate relationships were low on the priority for truly enlightened people (also in Indian religions, you would have to give up this world to become truly enlightened and/or liberated). This made me shameful of my work in dating, feeling it less honorable than doing charity work or saving the environment or doing some enlightened corporate/executive coaching. 

Doing something so different, like running a Dating & Love Coaching practice, requires tremendous brand boosting and confidence, something I secretly lacked in and it would grate at me to have to market myself constantly and be so distinct. 

I remember a couple of potential clients treating my work like it was snake oil, and I felt a bit embarrassed  - wondering, is it? I'm having my clients work on significant spiritual challenges to clear their inner blocks- who am I to do so, and who really ordained me to do this work?

Reaching my High

Over the years, I helped dozens of women find their soulmates, and had launched online courses, seminars, online products and more. I was proud of my work and yet I recognized a lot of it depended on grace and luck from a higher power. The programs also helped my own relationship with my husband, and personally I got the most out of relationship and communication courses.

Finally, I reached a high point where I published my book, The 90-Day Soulmate Plan: Get out of your own way and attract the Higher Love you deserve, while giving birth to my third daughter. 

By 2023 I'd made it to Top 10 Women's Dating Experts on DatingAdvice.com, and considered a Mover and Shaker on DatingNews.com. All 3 of these were exciting developments and I felt like it was my ticket to the next level in my work!

I also set up Soulmate Academy, brought in several love coaches under me, and relaunched my online course, Sacred Soulmate System.

Yet, I still had trouble attracting clients or figuring out what programs to offer and my marketing strategy for my book. I felt like I was always at square one with my work, even though there seemed some progress. I struggled with social media and my messaging, as I always wondered, 'what is my true message?'. 

I didn't want to go into it full time hiring a nanny, as I still wanted to be at home with my daughters, and it felt like something had to give. I signed up for an AI marketing course (even though I had my own ethical concerns to using AI) and was deeply disturbed that I would need to use it if I wanted to stay competitive. 

I also couldn't figure out where God was in all of this and whether I was aligned with His will. I didn't even know what I desired, even though I had done all this desire & pleasure work. 

All of these years, I'd prayed to so many Gods and Goddesses, done so many mantras (including the navakar mantra which I grew up with which I loved), meditated endlessly, studied to raise my consciousness and self-awareness, focused on enhancing my pleasure body or reading ancient eastern scriptures. I even began to lean into the occult, learning witchcraft, tarot card reading, advanced manifestation techniques, etc. 

I was constantly working on healing my triggers and ego, and finding new ways to heal on deeper and deeper levels.

To be honest, in my heart, I didn't want to continue this line of work because I questioned my own spiritual growth (I felt like I was in a hamster wheel), but I didn't know what else to do. It felt like the right thing, but a part of me felt torn if it were God's plan for me, and I felt uncomfortable for what I had to prioritize or whom I had to become to be 'successful'. There seemed to be no moral guard rails except for not hurting anyone and I didn't know if I was or wasn't.

There was no way I could continue to grow without puffing up my ego and image which I labeled as Self Love and self-confidence. I struggled with inherent self-doubt and unworthiness to succeed in this physical plane and how to move forward that felt organic and righteous. I realized that I was somehow the roadblock in my own career, and yet I couldn't get rid of my inner conflict.

By the fall of 2023, I was reaching a point of spiritual and moral depletion, of emptiness within and my willpower was decreasing day by day. 

I reached my wit's end.  I was tired of studying, doing different spiritual practices, implementing new programs. 

I was feeling emotional and spiritual burnout. I was unhappy with my life, family life and the direction I was heading. I felt depressed and hopeless and nothing could help me. I saw that I was also causing grief to my husband and I could feel a sense of disassociation taking over me, wanting to exit this reality.

On top of that, I was looking at the world in despair, given all the evil that had taken over, which I knew was satanic, and I felt deep horror (I had been feeling that since the Epstein Island case was first revealed - I spent an entire vacation in Mexico in 2019 trying to understand it). 

In September 2023, I watched a testimonial of a New Ager turning to Jesus, and everything suddenly made sense to me all at once, of how I was spending years spinning, while looking for that sense of communion with a single, righteous supernatural force which could guide me forward. I spent the next few days doing more research, and I realized that it was the same epiphany I had in 2012, after my breakup with my ex-fiance. I was back at the same juncture (yet thankfully, in a better situation!). Many of my mentors had already reached this conclusion and had shared their paths with me, so I had some awareness.

I finally found a path that helped me reconcile my spiritual growth, marriage, motherhood and work, while opening my heart to more love and expansion, and it lay in following Christ's path and message of love, healthy relationships and bringing heaven on earth. 

I decided to go on sabbatical from work and focus on my spirituality and family. I released all my practices and work. 

I read the gospels in the Bible and began to feel inspired again. The feeling of renewal that I had felt in 2012 began to infiltrate my beingness, and though I have been going through a season of repentance, I have finally started to feel regenerated again, slowly and steadily. I am deeply appreciative of Christ's death for our all our sins, his deep empathy and compassion for us, no matter what religion we come from - the opportunity to be born anew and enjoy eternal life.

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I don't want to paint the 10 years of working in New Age / Spirituality as bad or wrong. I made so many friends and mentors and it was a wild, wonderful adventure! I birthed my 3 daughters and I grew so much as a person and am proud of my achievements, including sharing my findings authentically and asking tough questions, all the while helping people in a very important sphere - dating and relationship - and I could see I had a true gift. 

I also became a mature and critical-thinking woman, and have been leading a heart-open and wonder-filled life which I know has inspired others.

I am forever grateful to my loved ones, like my husband, sisters and parents, who were relentlessly by my side, supporting me in my transition from my prestigious roles in the corporate world to finding my footing in coaching. I love them with all my heart and I can only imagine the heartbreak and confusion they went through as they watched me wander in my journey.

(P.S. Although not mentioned earlier, something that I still feel somewhat self-conscious speaking about, I also battled for years with paranoia and claustrophobia, seeing fearful 'entities' at night and night terrors, sleep paralysis, having severe depression and suicidal thoughts during my postpartum days where voices were telling me to kill myself, and more. 

I tried to heal it all through mindfulness, prayer and hypnotherapy, and now I'm realizing it's because I had allowed negative spirits to enter my beingness through various occult practices and negative belief systems - which I have been able to release, for which I am ever so grateful).

My Journey to Finding God

 (Note: This is not meant to spark a theological debate, nor show the wrongness of any particular religion or practices. I'm just trying to share my own experiences and perceptions, however wrong or right they may be)

All my life, I've been seeking the presence of God. I also had interests in other subjects, like understanding love and relationships, and supernatural and paranormal activities, such as ghosts, palmistry, etc. 

Even as a kid, I had a tiny shelf in my closet dedicated to God. I had different idols of course. Even though I grew up in a beautiful, faith-filled home (my parents are Jain), I still had basic questions of "Does God exist? What happens when we die? Does he love me?" Sometimes I went through existential crises over it, feeling sad about death and the eventual loss of my loved ones. 

My years of searching for God and truth led me to trying to be a 'good person', reducing my karma through Jain principles of practicing non-violence and avoiding lying, stealing or idol worship (which felt difficult to do, even within the religion), etc. I also felt the pull to excel in the material world and hopefully finding answers there. Truth be told, I did a lot of unholy things in my teens and twenties, and I had a penchant for taboo and profane subjects. I couldn't reduce my innate sense of guilt, which compounded over time. I had a somewhat violent and sarcastic streak and would regularly cut people down. When I would meet a Jain muni, I wondered if he could see into my sinful nature.

Perhaps the first time I tasted bliss was when I did Vipassana in 2008, after business school. During that experience, I could feel what being free of suffering could feel like. I had tasted truth about life, and it was about increasing one's consciousness and self-awareness and becoming free of one's samskaras, while living righteously, as Buddha had taught. I was vibrating with such joy and professed that I would meditate every day for two hours, to achieve some level of liberation.

This joy was short-lived, as I went to both an astrologer and palm reader in Delhi who gave me disastrous news about my horoscope - I was destined for an unhealthy marriage and unhappiness until the age of 52 when things would turn around - unless I did some pujas, wore special rings and/or found someone within 6 months. Given that both of readings happened back to back, it created tremendous angst within me, as I was 28 and already late for marriage.

I came back to New York City, and starting my hectic management consulting career and looking for my future partner, and all that desire for meditation went out the door. I began to engage in excess partying and drinking, dating and dealing with toxic work situations as well. I tried to keep an optimistic veneer, which I'm generally great at, while going on tons of dates. However, my iniquities and sins began to eat at my soul, and I began to lose my sense of self and would be out of my body sometimes. My emotions ranged from anger to pride, envy to straight up depression, with hope and happiness here and there.  

I came to the point where I became engaged to someone, and within a month, we broke up. 

When I begged him to tell me why, he told me that I was controlling, kept my loved ones at a distance, and I couldn't be trusted nor did he feel safe with me. Apparently I was like a chameleon, changing my tune in my relationships just to seek approval.

I was devastated and I wanted to end my life - and was seriously considering it. I had reached my wit's end.

That night, as I cried in my sheets, wanting desperately to end my life, a voice came me that said, "I need spiritual healing." I didn't know what that meant. 

Meeting God

The very next day I met a psychic, Pat, who told me that I was spiritually blocked. She told me that if I didn't heal from this relationship and understand what happened, I was destined to repeat the same patterns, over and over, much like my horoscope had suggested. I would remain jaded and my heart would close up forever. 

I began a detoxification process (which I now understand to be repentance and sanctification). Pat told me that God wants me to be happy, but I need to detox and heal within. She told me to start going to church and praying, and had me praise Jesus whenever something positive happened. She gave me spiritual rituals to do. I was crying and repenting daily, seeing how I had hurt myself, my ex and others, and had been operating in a completely amoral way. I prayed to God for forgiveness, and for the strength to forgive others. At the same time, I joined two meditation groups, visited a Buddhist monastery and began to host meditations at my home, and began to pray and sit in stillness whenever I could. 

When I reached a point of hopelessness and feeling completely unloved, she told me that God had saved my life many times, and asked me to go to church and pray for gratitude. Indeed, I sat in the front pew, looked up at the altar, and felt instant, utmost awe and gratitude at the number of times my life had been in peril, and yet I had been saved. Moments when I could have been crushed by a falling ceiling in my bedroom, raped in my apartment, left behind at a train station in India at 14, and many more. In each moment, I was being looked out for. In fact, I was so incredibly blessed to be given the gift of life, and moreover, my life was precious and I was so loved by God!

This was my first understanding of a personal, loving God. 

Not just supreme consciousness, oneness or an omni-potent presence, rather, a being who is there for me, that I can have a personal relationship with. This blew my mind! Before and during work, I would stop by churches to pray and meditate, these places felt like respites in the midst of the Wall Street bustle. I would see an icon of Jesus on the cross, and while it brought me tremendous contrition and somberness, and at the same time, fill me with awe and even beauty, I couldn't grasp the significance. Pat told me about the concepts of mercy and grace, and how to practice these with others, because God gives us overflowingly these when we repent. 

I read books by Thich That Hanh and learned about healthy love, relationships and mindfulness - concepts I hadn't come across before while researching love and dating.

I felt a resurgence of life, and perhaps, the Holy Spirit take over me. I could feel that good things were happening in my life - I was moving into alignment slowly and steadily. I was even falling in love with life, and myself! This was a period of magical interactions with strangers, praying in parks, meditating and doing random acts of kindness with my newfound Awakin community. I shifted my perspective on work, my family, my purpose in life - and how I was relating with people around me. I was surrounded by a beautiful, community who was nourishing my spiritual body.

90 days after I began this journey, I was introduced to Krishan. Our meeting was supernatural, to say the least. Our first interaction involved a large hailstorm in the middle of July, after which we took a long, four hour walk in which we bared our hearts. 

We began long email chains, even when he took a 40 day pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago. As soon as he got back, we were together. Falling in love with him felt so natural, and so profound and magical! We felt like we were blessed by God. Even our marriage ceremony was conducted in such a heart-felt, beautiful, exciting way in Bodh Gaya, in which we didn't even have to lift a finger. 

I didn't know who God was, but he felt eternal, loving, and present in my life. My life finally felt like it had an upturn, meaning and hope. He saved me from ending my life, for which I am ever grateful.

God is real. 

And I could feel his magic and love in my life.

Halleluia!