(Note: This is not meant to spark a theological debate, nor show the wrongness of any particular religion or practices. I'm just trying to share my own experiences and perceptions, however wrong or right they may be)
All my life, I've been seeking the presence of God. I also had interests in other subjects, like understanding love and relationships, and supernatural and paranormal activities, such as ghosts, palmistry, etc.
Even as a kid, I had a tiny shelf in my closet dedicated to God. I had different idols of course. Even though I grew up in a beautiful, faith-filled home (my parents are Jain), I still had basic questions of "Does God exist? What happens when we die? Does he love me?" Sometimes I went through existential crises over it, feeling sad about death and the eventual loss of my loved ones.
My years of searching for God and truth led me to trying to be a 'good person', reducing my karma through Jain principles of practicing non-violence and avoiding lying, stealing or idol worship (which felt difficult to do, even within the religion), etc. I also felt the pull to excel in the material world and hopefully finding answers there. Truth be told, I did a lot of unholy things in my teens and twenties, and I had a penchant for taboo and profane subjects. I couldn't reduce my innate sense of guilt, which compounded over time. I had a somewhat violent and sarcastic streak and would regularly cut people down. When I would meet a Jain muni, I wondered if he could see into my sinful nature.
Perhaps the first time I tasted bliss was when I did Vipassana in 2008, after business school. During that experience, I could feel what being free of suffering could feel like. I had tasted truth about life, and it was about increasing one's consciousness and self-awareness and becoming free of one's samskaras, while living righteously, as Buddha had taught. I was vibrating with such joy and professed that I would meditate every day for two hours, to achieve some level of liberation.
This joy was short-lived, as I went to both an astrologer and palm reader in Delhi who gave me disastrous news about my horoscope - I was destined for an unhealthy marriage and unhappiness until the age of 52 when things would turn around - unless I did some pujas, wore special rings and/or found someone within 6 months. Given that both of readings happened back to back, it created tremendous angst within me, as I was 28 and already late for marriage.
I came back to New York City, and starting my hectic management consulting career and looking for my future partner, and all that desire for meditation went out the door. I began to engage in excess partying and drinking, dating and dealing with toxic work situations as well. I tried to keep an optimistic veneer, which I'm generally great at, while going on tons of dates. However, my iniquities and sins began to eat at my soul, and I began to lose my sense of self and would be out of my body sometimes. My emotions ranged from anger to pride, envy to straight up depression, with hope and happiness here and there.
I came to the point where I became engaged to someone, and within a month, we broke up.
When I begged him to tell me why, he told me that I was controlling, kept my loved ones at a distance, and I couldn't be trusted nor did he feel safe with me. Apparently I was like a chameleon, changing my tune in my relationships just to seek approval.
I was devastated and I wanted to end my life - and was seriously considering it. I had reached my wit's end.
That night, as I cried in my sheets, wanting desperately to end my life, a voice came me that said, "I need spiritual healing." I didn't know what that meant.
Meeting God
The very next day I met a psychic, Pat, who told me that I was spiritually blocked. She told me that if I didn't heal from this relationship and understand what happened, I was destined to repeat the same patterns, over and over, much like my horoscope had suggested. I would remain jaded and my heart would close up forever.
I began a detoxification process (which I now understand to be repentance and sanctification). Pat told me that God wants me to be happy, but I need to detox and heal within. She told me to start going to church and praying, and had me praise Jesus whenever something positive happened. She gave me spiritual rituals to do. I was crying and repenting daily, seeing how I had hurt myself, my ex and others, and had been operating in a completely amoral way. I prayed to God for forgiveness, and for the strength to forgive others. At the same time, I joined two meditation groups, visited a Buddhist monastery and began to host meditations at my home, and began to pray and sit in stillness whenever I could.
When I reached a point of hopelessness and feeling completely unloved, she told me that God had saved my life many times, and asked me to go to church and pray for gratitude. Indeed, I sat in the front pew, looked up at the altar, and felt instant, utmost awe and gratitude at the number of times my life had been in peril, and yet I had been saved. Moments when I could have been crushed by a falling ceiling in my bedroom, raped in my apartment, left behind at a train station in India at 14, and many more. In each moment, I was being looked out for. In fact, I was so incredibly blessed to be given the gift of life, and moreover, my life was precious and I was so loved by God!
This was my first understanding of a personal, loving God.
Not just supreme consciousness, oneness or an omni-potent presence, rather, a being who is there for me, that I can have a personal relationship with. This blew my mind! Before and during work, I would stop by churches to pray and meditate, these places felt like respites in the midst of the Wall Street bustle. I would see an icon of Jesus on the cross, and while it brought me tremendous contrition and somberness, and at the same time, fill me with awe and even beauty, I couldn't grasp the significance. Pat told me about the concepts of mercy and grace, and how to practice these with others, because God gives us overflowingly these when we repent.
I read books by Thich That Hanh and learned about healthy love, relationships and mindfulness - concepts I hadn't come across before while researching love and dating.
I felt a resurgence of life, and perhaps, the Holy Spirit take over me. I could feel that good things were happening in my life - I was moving into alignment slowly and steadily. I was even falling in love with life, and myself! This was a period of magical interactions with strangers, praying in parks, meditating and doing random acts of kindness with my newfound Awakin community. I shifted my perspective on work, my family, my purpose in life - and how I was relating with people around me. I was surrounded by a beautiful, community who was nourishing my spiritual body.
90 days after I began this journey, I was introduced to Krishan. Our meeting was supernatural, to say the least. Our first interaction involved a large hailstorm in the middle of July, after which we took a long, four hour walk in which we bared our hearts.
We began long email chains, even when he took a 40 day pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago. As soon as he got back, we were together. Falling in love with him felt so natural, and so profound and magical! We felt like we were blessed by God. Even our marriage ceremony was conducted in such a heart-felt, beautiful, exciting way in Bodh Gaya, in which we didn't even have to lift a finger.
I didn't know who God was, but he felt eternal, loving, and present in my life. My life finally felt like it had an upturn, meaning and hope. He saved me from ending my life, for which I am ever grateful.
God is real.
And I could feel his magic and love in my life.
Halleluia!
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